Panic attacks. Racing thoughts. Rumination. Difficulty sleeping or eating. Anxiety has become the backdrop of your life. You find yourself unable to relax, stressed about the present, worried about the future, replaying conversations you just had and feeling foolish. The voice in your head tells you that no mistakes can be allowed, or else it will all fall apart, and it will be your fault. You feel like you have to keep it all together all the time, but that’s impossible, because there’s just too much happening and it’s overwhelming your system. You’re exhausted from trying to keep it all together.

You find yourself feeling that you’re not good enough. You’re constantly judgmental of your own body and appearance. You question whether you’ll be able to get the kind of job you think you might enjoy. You feel like a failure. You ask yourself, “am I normal?” The voice of self-criticism is loud inside your own head. It’s watching your every move, looking for a mistake; and oh, there are so many mistakes. There’s a feeling of hopelessness and lack of control as this voice doesn’t ever seem to stop. Your self-esteem and self-worth have never been lower.

Sometimes, you feel totally out of control. The emotions are running really high and you’re not sure how to just calm down. You may find yourself turning towards some less healthy habits for comfort. Something that’s healthy in small doses becomes a form of self-punishment or emotional release. You may never have learned regulation and coping strategies for your emotions because you were told that you shouldn’t be feeling those emotions in the first place. Now, as an adult, you do what your parents did, trying your hardest not to feel what just came up.

You find yourself feeling uncertain in your relationships. You may resort to people-pleasing, always putting your needs behind the needs of others to ensure that your friends or coworkers won’t be angry at you or disappointed in you. You pull back entirely when there’s a disconnection, feeling that it’s better for you to leave first if things are going to end. You struggle to set necessary boundaries with your boss. You may even find yourself repeating patterns of your childhood, entering into emotionally abusive relationships. You’re not sure if you’re worth anything better than this, and you don’t have any close friends or family you can ask.

Against the backdrop of your history, it may not be a surprise that your relationships with your family members are in turmoil. In some ways, things haven’t changed significantly since your childhood. You try your best to be your own person, but your parents and siblings want to drag you back to where they think you belong. They don’t want to talk about the past; they ask you “why can’t you just move on?” They say “that’s ancient history” to memories that are very much alive in you. They don’t take responsibility for their actions and blame you for having feelings in response to what they say and do.

You can usually hold it together when you’re in a routine. But life transitions, changes, and stressors can act like the lit match dropped in a pile of tinder. Major changes might shake you out of your healthy habits, cause you to lose touch with your support systems and coping mechanisms, and lose confidence in yourself. Graduating, losing your job, breakups, moving to a new city, and starting in a new position can act as the catalyst for a larger breakdown. These triggers can pull up old memories, patterns, and habits from the past, and you may find yourself asking if you’ll ever be able to move forward.